


damned if you do, damned if you don't

by winter_scldier



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: 1940s, Catholic Guilt, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Religious Conflict
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:33:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28745520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winter_scldier/pseuds/winter_scldier
Summary: Would you really be willing to damn yourself for me?For you, Buck? Always.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25





	1. hellfire

Bucky Barnes never really considered himself a catholic. In fact, he wouldn't call himself religious at all.

Besides, no loving God would create a perfect man like Steve Rogers just to keep him at arms length, just so Bucky couldn't have him. 

They had met at one lucky mass all those years ago. Bucky's mother dragged him by the ear one cold winter Sunday, frost biting at his cheeks as they pushed through the heavy wooden doors. He was shifting uncomfortably in the wooden pew when he finally noticed the other boy sitting across the aisle a few rows up.

He was impossibly tiny, couldn't have been any older than Bucky. The sunlight shone through the colored glass and cast pretty colors through the boys sandy blond hair, reflected in his ocean-blue eyes. He was coughing something wicked, a young woman beside him rubbed his back gently, but had an angry look in her eye as if she could will the cough to stop with her anger alone. And funny enough, the boy took managed a deep breath and relaxed back against the pew. He looked around at the people staring at him, and met eyes with Bucky, offering up a nervous smile before turning his attention back to the priest. And god damn him, Bucky couldn't will himself to stop looking at the boy.

The Barnes family had just moved from Indiana to Brooklyn, which left twelve year old James without any friends. This was the only reason Mrs. Barnes didn't stop him from running to talk to the young boy across the way after mass was over. Besides, with a tiny kid like he was? There was no possible way they could cause too much trouble, right?

Bucky smiled faintly at the memory. He had been so young and innocent and happy back then, the feeling in his chest appearing when Steve laughed the first time. _James? No, no that doesn't fit you at all. What's your middle name? Buchanan? Like the president? Hmmm. Bucky?_ Steve smiled proudly at his genius nickname and laughed, and it was the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard, like the angels were calling him up to heaven. It turned out Steve didn't have many friends either, so they figured they'd be good for each other. ~~Boy, they couldn't have been more wrong.~~

It was only a few years into their friendship when Bucky began to realize that he didn't get that same feeling in his chest when he was with anyone else. He had liked girls just fine, flirted with them, offered to walk them home from school, all the things he was supposed to do with girls. But none of them made his heart skip a beat like it did when he was around Steve Rogers. Bucky Barnes was sixteen when he learned what love was.

Sarah Rodgers must've been a mind reader ~~or Bucky wasn't half as subtle as he thought he was~~ because after him and Steve had said their goodbyes for the day, she had followed him onto their doorstep and barred him from leaving.

"James," she started seriously, her voice was gentle, like she didn't want to say what was coming next. Bucky braced himself. "Love...love is complicated, James. I can't even pretend to understand what you're going through right now, but I know that look. The way you look at Steve, like he's your whole world. I just...I hope you and Steve can meet in heaven someday." She let out a deep sigh and didn't meet his eyes.

Bucky turned white as a sheet and stumbled away from her, mortified. His heart was beating out of his chest and he really needed to get his breathing under control before he passed out. Sarah wrapped him in a half-comforting hug and disappeared back into the apartment, leaving the panicked boy on her doorstep. He managed to find his way safely down the stairs and back to his home and loving family, eyes continuously glancing towards the cloudy sky, trying to force the tears bubbling in his eyes away. This was the day Bucky Barnes realized be was wasn't going to heaven.

Bucky Barnes had just turned twenty, and was resting uncomfortably in a pew next to Steve Rogers, and in that moment he realized he didn't need to go to heaven when heaven was right here beside him.


	2. communion

Steve Rogers had always considered himself a catholic. In fact, it was the only thing about himself he knew was true.

Sarah Rodgers had immigrated to New York from Ireland before he was born, leaving everything behind on those rocky coasts (everything except her faith of course), so the first thing she did was find a church. In fact, Steve couldn't remember a week in his life where he wasn't sitting right here, feeling even smaller than he already was surrounded by the colorful stained glass. The looming walls never did much to block out the cold winter air which usually led to a disruptive coughing fit, much to the dismay of Sarah Rogers who always seemed to shake her head as wandering eyes turned in their direction. Steve had learned over the years how to ignore the attention, looking around as to gesture to the other patrons that he was alright. That's when he noticed a young brown-haired boy he'd never seen before. 

And of course Steve believed in miracles, he just didn't think he'd live long enough to see one happen right in front of his eyes. That was until he met James Buchanan Barnes. 

Suddenly the chapel walls didn't feel so cold anymore.

Meeting Bucky Barnes brought light into Steve's life. Like the sun exploded in the sky and the heavens were raining down around them, the two of them like twin stars floating in the endless sky. Bucky Barnes was the closest to heaven Steve could get here on Earth. ~~Maybe the only Heaven he'd ever reach.~~

Sarah Rogers always had a nose for trouble, maybe that was why Steve wasn't surprised when she followed Bucky out the door one day as he left. What he didn't expect was for Bucky to not come back to the apartment for the next few days and refuse to look him in the eye when they spoke. Things seemed to mend quickly, though. There's nothing a signature Mama Rogers meal couldn't fix, after all.

Steve Rogers knew he wasn't getting into Heaven. He was fairly certain he wasn't a homosexual, but something about the shine in Bucky's eyes, the way the room seemed to glow and sparkle when he entered it and made him feel like he was floating told Steve everything he needed to know about himself. So maybe he was alright with his Heaven being right here on Earth. So maybe the thought of Bucky going up to Heaven without him made him toss and turn well into the night as he tried to force the thoughts away. _He was in love with Bucky Barnes._ Not even a miracle could save him now. 

There was no way Bucky would ever have these feelings about Steve, right? Bucky was handsome, charming around all the girls. His smile was bright, eyes full of sparkle and life. Bucky Barnes was too perfect to love a guy like Steve Rogers. Steve Rogers who could have an asthma attack sitting still, who could stand out in the cold a minute too long and not make it till the next sunrise, ~~who would damn himself to hell if it meant he could kiss his perfect best friend.~~

Now, Steve Rogers was nineteen years old. Sarah Rogers wasn't there to make him happy anymore, he just had Bucky now. They had moved in together not long ago, and the feeling in Steve's chest when Bucky came home from a shift on the docks would be the death of him. When the sun-kissed, freckled boy walked in the door smelling like salty sea air, his heart couldn't take it. He wanted to spend eternity just like this, he would die a thousand times over if the angel that came and dragged him down to Hell looked just like that. Suffer a million eternities just to wake up next to that pretty boy everyday.

~~God, he needed to see a priest.~~


End file.
